Dire Straights

“streets like a jungle, so call the police”

- hello which service do you require -

Police please

- this is the police -

Great.

You want the fire service, don’t you; the police wont be able to help in the jungle – firemen have got ladders and axes. Don’t call the police.

Blur have reformed. My dad always used to say “a reformed band is like reformed meat – it tastes bad, but you can easily put it in sandwiches”. I don’t know what he meant by that, but he always said it, always. It was like his catchphrase.

“streets like a jungle, so call the police, following the herd, down to Greece…”.

If you’re straight and you’re reading this, you don’t know how easy you’ve got it. "Wooh, yeah, our sexuality has never been demonized, wooh, the victorians loved us." Straight people, straights, have got it easy. There are more offensive terms for straights – breeders being my favourite, “You breeder, you fucking breeder”.

Yeah, easy - if a straight guy wants to find a “mate” - I say mate because that’s what straights do – mate. If a straight guy wants to fine a mate all he need do is go to a place where there are people. Even if there are only ten people in this chosen place, the law of averages dictates that approximately 5+ of them will be straight women; easy, throw himself into a crowd and he’s half way there.

The next stage for getting a mate requires more effort, but not much more; he must first demonstrate that he is youthful, and then exert his masculinity. The youthful part will manifest itself as “saying stupid things”. If a guy says stupid things to a girl she’ll find it endearing – “aw, he’s such a lad, talking about nonsense”.

The exertion of masculinity can be one of two things – farting or lifting objects. Farting, and laughing about farting, shows that a male is all man, for some reason, and lifting things is an obvious demonstration of strength. The battle is won. A woman who has seen a man lifting stuff into, er… somewhere, might think “I know he likes me, but is he just being polite… no, that fart secures it, I’m going home with him. Yes that inane banter, farting and lifting make me think that he’ll be good at putting his penis inside me for quarter of an hour”. Is it quarter of an hour? Heterosexual sex? Fifteen minutes? Quarter of an hour? I don’t know.

The above method of courtship does have its draw backs; many a woman has mistake a greater ape’s natural behaviour for flirtation – with hilarious consequences, and the origin of HIV.

But fair play to heterosexual men. And gay women. They are braver men, and er, men, than I.

I saw a documentary called The Perfect Vagina. Ooo, no. No no no. No, not for me. They showed one image and I was scared. It looked, no offence to women, who are of course “part vagina”, but it looked like a reject 50s B-movie monster.

“Now Showing – Attack of the 50ft Woman – with the supporting feature –
Revenge of the 6ft Vagina, see it bleed, but not die.”

Straight women don’t really have to do anything to be found sexually attractive by men. Being stationary seems to be enough. A guy things to himself “Wow, she hasn’t run away from me, I’m in here”

R B Grange